I have these thoughts whirling around in my head now for a couple of days and I have to get them out. They started a couple of days ago when someone posted about a website I used to belong to, but the thoughts have expanded beyond that now, linked to the #metoo as well, and I have to get them out. I don’t usually do this type of blog either, so be gentle kind reader. The thoughts are all pretty random as well and I can’t guarantee that they will follow anything coherent; actually not random in my head they are pretty connected but the story might come up out in bits!
Let’s start with a little bit about my childhood as I think a lot of what happened then has impacted on my life since. I got glasses when I was about six, I was pretty much blind without them. When I got glasses as well there weren’t many frame choices for kids as well, so I had big thick blue plastic jobs as well, so attractive. As my prescription was so high as well I had coke bottle lenses as well. Nowadays they can do amazing things with thick lenses, I remember my last pair the lenses were thinned down so much and I could pretty frames instead of big ones that could hold the thick lenses I needed. I was then bullied as a child. Some of the memories of the bullying including boys constantly coming up to me and saying I have a knife behind my back…getting my head bashed against a metal pole at school…and generally no one really wanting to talk to me at school either. Teachers didn’t really do anything about bullying in these days either. I had comments in my report saying things about how quiet I was etc.
I know all this impacted on my life in lots of ways. The two major ways it impacted on my life was in terms of how I then went on to develop friendships as an adult. I struggled with this for along time. I didn’t know how to develop healthy friendships with people and always fucked them up, losing many people who could have been great friends. I guess I was the toxic friend in those days. I didn’t know how to fix it. I was the needy friend. I suffered from anxiety (still do) about saying the wrong things, getting rejected, you name it that was me. I would either get clingy or standoffish, say the wrong things, it was shit. I do think I have got better at this, although I still get the anxiety that I am getting pushed out from friendship groups and that people talk about me and don’t really like me etc…
The second major way was sexually. I used sex to feel like I was attractive, wanted, needed and put myself when I look back into some pretty stupid positions. Again unhealthy relationships. I let blokes use me, I used them, I let them convince me to do things I shouldn’t have done. I had sex when I probably shouldn’t have. I felt like it was the only way for people to like me. Sometimes I had sex with people I shouldn’t have had sex with because I wasn’t in the right head space to consent fully. I hurt people as well. I never set out to hurt people that was never my intention but I would do something without necessarily thinking about the results to others or because I was at a low point and it made me feel better for that few minutes. That yes I was attractive and that people liked me as well. When in actual fact I was probably getting used as well. Sometimes in these situations I would get kicked once but then would go back for another kicking as well, just for that two minutes (ok maybe longer) of feeling like I was powerful, attractive and loved. I know I did things that I am not proud of during this period of my life and for awhile.
So to the website that was mentioned! This was an amazing website that came along when I had my son. Bad Mothers Club. It was a website for us mothers who aren’t perfect, and were willing to admit we weren’t perfect. We drunk, smoked and sometimes ignored our children, put them in front of the TV etc. We still loved them we just didn’t feel like we were perfect and were rebelling against society saying mothers should be these goddesses with perfect houses and perfect children. There were threads of support, advice etc. There were fabulous meet ups etc. I did meet some fabulous people as a result of that website as well. There was an ugly side as well. I got to experience that firsthand. I need to get this out but then I want to go back to the good…will end this blog on the good!
In the end I was witch hunted off this website. The worse thing I was accused off when I was bullied off the website was that I was a rapist. We apparently had an MO where we would invite women to our home, feed them key lime pie and then convince them to have sex with us. Yes I did have sex with a few lovely people from the website and some of them are still friends to this day but certainly not as many people as it was claimed and certainly not in the manner it was claimed as well. I know that the people couldn’t say this at the time on the website due to their personal situations and stand up for me. There was only one encounter that I fully regretted. It was my first solo encounter with a same sex lover. We were both drunk and with my insecurities and then later finding out about her severe mental illness we shouldn’t have done it. She initiated it and I didn’t stop it. At the time I didn’t regret it, it was only later when her mental illness started to manifest itself in some ugly ways that I realised I shouldn’t have done anything. She had seen it as something completely different in her head and unfortunately as I was seen as being more mentally stable I was painted in a not so good light. I wanted to help her and I couldn’t anymore. All of this took me straight back to school, I was being bullied and it didn’t matter what I said, or how I said it. I lost the support of that website and received hate mail for awhile. I changed all my emails, and social media accounts at the time and went into hiding in a big way. Some people I was close to from that website also turned out to be behind some of the worse things that were said about me. That really hurt and my trust in people was shattered again.
So fast forward a bit…I finally realised about five years ago that I couldn’t not be medicated anymore. The breaking point for that was when I basically tried to entice my drug dealing and smoking neighbour into beating me me up in front of my child! Then last year I did some therapy etc as well. I look at all these past experiences and realise that yes I did do wrong but what would have happened if I had been more honest instead of pretending, instead of trying to get people to like me, instead of doing things that I thought they wanted me to do, be who they thought I was. (oops stop anxiety loop!)
Then when I see someone post that there was a scandal about me it just takes me right back to the bad things!
So yes I left that website because of being bullied off and people forgot some of the good that I also did…so I am going to try and remember….
Secret santa presents to people who needed gifts.
A weekend up north to fully fit, tile a shower for someone with severe back problems.
Organising a big weekend meet up, and organising a van to pick up people and take them there…losing money on the whole weekend.
Regularly driving people to take them places that they couldn’t otherwise get to, sometimes in the completely wrong direction first!
Great friends, some of which I still am in contact with, and others I’m not. Some who I haven’t seen in a long time and miss.
Going to spend time with another mum who had an autistic child.
Helping another one move homes.
This is me. The Good, the bad and the Ugly…I am evolving, I am on medication, I suffer from anxiety and worry about whether people still like me, I am learning to like me. I was bullied. I help friends in the best way I can now. I love hard.